Stupid questions

What do you do in winter?
Where's the thing you never go to and seldom think about?
Wheres the liquor store?
Is the coffee any good here?
Do you use studded tires?

Just thinking about you

When I came up to bed you sort of pushed me out you were sleeping, it was one of your deep sleeps. The kind when I know you need to sleep. I could have moved you but I would have risked waking you. Instead I dozed on the couch I woke from time to time and I thought of you my one true sweet love

Birthday

I'm taking a moment to reflect. In less then an hour I turn forty four an age when I said I'd hang up my cleats when I would be a messenger no more. I've got chronic pain in both shoulders. A sane man would ........ Me I wanna get all Charlton Heston and hold my bike over my head and shout. "From my cold dead thighs, from my cold dead thighs!!" Come to think about it I read about some messengers catching some cat stealing one of their bikes. They beat on him a little but he could still walk away. Some folks thought that was a little much. I say fuck those over-privileged whiny pussies they have no clue what it's like to have something you've worked for, that's become a part of you as well as being a tool you use to feed yourself taken from you.

I miss my Daddy

I miss the drunken phone calls. "Boy, ya still a big ole whore pedalin your ass on the streets of Anchorage?" I just miss the bastard he may not have been the best Dad but he was the only one I had and without him I wouldn't be the man I am. I miss you Daddy Christ knows I do.

Another late night

Trying to sort out what is and how it got to be that way. Fuck what else can you say.

There you were

Not a care in the world fast free, death was the next stage of life
Would anyone weep for you, maybe?
A few tears shed but you thought Mom and Dad would understand
Now Dad lays dieing in a Florida nursing home.
You thought you'd go first.
and if Dad went it would be quick, a bar fight, a car crash but no
It's a wasting disease and drinking for the pain just took out his liver.
Had to live F L A a hundred places you could have supplemented the pain pills
with natural herb but
all you had was booze, you knew it, it worked.
It killed your liver.
Now I try to suppress that self-destructive thing, you don't pick fights
You're ready to fight if you have to.
If that's what it takes to get home to your wife and kitten.
When you want so bad to ride screaming into the night
A bottle of something in your bag, into the night
to twist and shout
to work it on out.
Can't do that no more
She'll worry,
So you try to do it quiet like.
It's not the same
When you rolled home bruised bloody and laughing
because the things spinning through brain finally made sense
Now you sit listening to some music you used to like
quietly strangling the demons you used to beat to death.

Sometimes you can just smell the stupid

Like a big old cloud rolling in, you don't want to get caught in the storm.
Time to leave and seek shelter.
I've met you before or at least someone like you.
Your fun, your flirty and charming.
At first.
But as time goes by your just a problem.
I know you guys over at that table over there
At least I've known guys like you, don't think we need to hang out anymore.
And you in the truck, you can tell me, man to man here.
How small is it?
Or is it that you just can't use it right?
Or maybe it's that you just don't get the chance to use it?
Man drives like that on a public road
He's got to be trying to compensate for something, some sense
That he just isn't man enough.
I'll say "Hi" to your cousin when I hit Northern Lights.
That cloud of stupid hits smart people too.
One minute your a kind understanding and tolerant type.
The next your thinking about hitting people with a big rubber hammer.
Or your taking pictures of tourists taking pictures of themselves.
Time to flee.

Not everyone has a code to live by, do you?

The lost, the confused, the sight-seer and the stupid

They were all downtown today. Oh yes, they were.
Slow down speed up.
Piss me right the fuck off.
Rental car, bad map.
But some of you I love just can't help myself.
You who stop in for a drink
and stick around for the floor show
and sometimes it's you.
Then I love you all the more.
Thank you.
You humanize the others

Summer is a bummer

At least as far as the work goes. Sporadic, a week of sheer mind numbing boredom and then a weeks worth of work all crammed into one day but then you are alive you have purpose you have meaning, you flow. Always the tourists which they tell you are not as good as the tourists of days gone by. On the package trip not spending a dime. Ain't sellin' like he used to. New tourist old tourist they're still in your fuckin' way and asking for directions to things you don't go to."Is the coffee good here?" There are five fuckin' places to buy espresso within a block, this one has a line. " 'Moose on the lose' what a cute T-shirt" Not when you've seen it go down baby, saw an old man stomped to death outside of UAA. Welcome to Anchorage, enjoy your stay, now get the fuck out of my way. You hover between the madness of too much and not enough. Summer is a bummer. Summer when the dark demons come by for a beer, to kind of hang out and chat put on some tunes and eat all your snacks. Yet , summer is so beautiful it hurts. I should take off from work leave it to the wannabes and fixter/hipsters and spare myself the up and down joyride to madness, just trying to hang-on until the snow falls. Summer when you have to much time to think about the thing you do and when it's slow you ask yourself. Why? And when it's busy, when you have more things to deliver then you have time, when it seams someones said to at least half the drivers. "Kill him but try to make it look like an accident. When your mind and body hurt from the things you did on that road slicing, dicing, weaving with a godlike grace doing things that you cannot describe, when you have to have a few just so you can go home and be a human being to the wife and kitten. Then the answer is all to clear. That you were born to this life, this is what God made you for and who are you to deny the will of your creator. Until then sit, have a smoke and a double shot of espresso. Wait, to live again.

Sometimes I find it so hard to say what I need to say

"My Dad's in there he's like God to me. My gods in there he's like a Dad to me. 'Well give him all your cigarettes.' They said and he did time and got raped by guards and prisoners and knifed and kicked the shit out of and went in a hole for five months, three weeks and did not cry for nine years which is almost a million"
Steven Jesse Bernstein
When I can talk about this I will but until then here's a little song.

Sorry I didn't stop to talk.

I did see you by the school as I headed back downtown. I might have stopped to talk but what with my father in the hospital I wanted to be up that hill before I had to take another call about that. Of course I didn't make it up the hill before that call came in. I could have turned around but I was on the clock when seconds could matter, I could not stop and chat. I like running into you it reminds me how happy I am now.

Here comes the sun

It's early spring and the sun is brighter it can melt the ice again. Vast stretches of pavement are clear including most of downtown. Unfortunately what ice remains is really nasty. It's cold enough in the morning but things get a tad soft wet and slushy. Again more studs then you need because when you need them you really do need them. The grinding crunching noise is quite something. I still hear it for hours after I get off the bike. On the one hand I'll miss the winter on the other I look forward faster lighter bikes and quiet tires.

Ever feel like you've been cheated?

Every fuckin' day
but you know me, I can't complain.
Annoyance idiots from out of town.
Nuisance idiots from other parts of town.
Nice car asshole, Now learn how to drive it.
Keep playing bullshit games with my life.
One night I won't be workin'
One night I won't be drinkin'
That night we will play
you and I and you will serve as
an example.
I will point out your stupidity
at the next stop light.
I'll say it nicely
You'll get pissed off cause some cat on a bike
told you how to drive.
and then your gonna do it
Make that move.
The one that makes what I do next
Justifiable
Rendezvous C'mon!

That folks is a little poem inspired by trying to ride home during the animal skinning festival aka. fur rendezvous.

Sometimes I can't sleep.

Thinking about the past and some people I used to know. I try to talk about it have to borrow someone elses words. Where is my literary laxative when can I let my beer shit out.

I love my wife but oh, you kids........

Come in for a beer it's okay.
We're your friends
We're not like the others
Stick around for the floorshow.
Sometimes it's you
and you don't even know it.
To paraphrase Ferlinghetti.
I am leading a quiet life
outside of Darwin's every day
watching the world walk by
in it's curious shoes
I once started out
to walk around the world
but ended up in Darwin's
I am the man.
I suffered
somewhat.
I should buy a
T-shirt.

The Monster

I first met the monster in the winter of 90-91 , I was riding along the shoulder C st. between International and Tudor late for a shitty job. Suddenly in front of me was a city truck, to my left heavy fast traffic to my right a three foot high snow berm it looked sold enough. Suddenly I was on top of the snow berm ahead of the slow city truck then back on the shoulder, well past the truck. I can't tell you how I did it I just did. The monster is ones own force of will becoming almost a seperate being. It wants to be somewhere and it wants to be there now. It's heady mix of all ones emotions, your happy, your pissed-off, your screaming, your giggling and grunting and snarling alternately. The Monster likes to help out at work.
One day that sticks out in my mind. It's 4:24 Pm. I'm standing outside the courthouse. I'm thinking "The bags empty, filing deadlines 4:30, I'm pretty much done for the day. Yeah just head back to the office, do some paper work, unwind, yeah, groovy cool." Bam! The pager goes off, it's a rush job for one of my favorite clients a divorce attorney, sole practitioner, office two blocks away. "It can't be a court filing?" I pick-up, it is. To add a little color it's the peak of tourist season. Package trip tourists and cruise ship tourists allover Fourth avenue wearing matching jackets and mildly stupid. I head down Fourth. At the intersection with G st. there's a group walking across strung out so as to almost block the road. I don't remember if they were jaywalking or I was going to run the light, it's an easy one to run and there were minutes to spare. In that brief moment in time I wanted to say as quickly as possible. "Hey, look I know you folks are here on the vacation of your dreams and stuff but this isn't some quaint little fucking Disneyland, it's a city people have lives and jobs and my job is to get this piece of paper two blocks from here now! If I don't the person paying the person paying me , well their life could suck a little harder" The Monster says. "Hey I got it" His answer is from the movie "Full metal jacket", Joker let me see your war face! ARGHHHHHHH! It was just the thing to make one of the tourists break stride. Slipped between them and made the filing with a minute or two to spare. These days I don't get as many of those kind of rushes more same-days and the odd one-hour. He doesn't help out as much at work but when I'm eager to get home to my wife and our little cat he'll always drive me home. I still miss the divorce attorney she was a good client, the last minute rushes were good fun, most of the time.

Sub-zero like back in the day a long the way.

Back again like an annoying friend, still annoying but strangely missed. At least for the first few days and then the old friend reminds you why he got on your nerves and still you dance, the band isn't quiet what it was. Your moves are so much better but the band can't quite get the groove it once did and you slide along waiting to respond ready to spring into action but this is not the time even tho conditions bring to mind another time , it wasn't ' 85 more like '98, I just had that song stuck in my head, a time when it was cold like this but not this page on the calender, remain calm just do what I do . About the photo, that's a lovely patch of forest ripped open last summer to make over-priced homes, happens all the time in lots of places but the funny part, if you look really close you can see a brick that used to be part of one of the over-priced homes that used to be there (at about ten feet more above sea level) until 1964 "good" Friday.That's Anchorage for 'ya.