Just thinking about you

When I came up to bed you sort of pushed me out you were sleeping, it was one of your deep sleeps. The kind when I know you need to sleep. I could have moved you but I would have risked waking you. Instead I dozed on the couch I woke from time to time and I thought of you my one true sweet love

Birthday

I'm taking a moment to reflect. In less then an hour I turn forty four an age when I said I'd hang up my cleats when I would be a messenger no more. I've got chronic pain in both shoulders. A sane man would ........ Me I wanna get all Charlton Heston and hold my bike over my head and shout. "From my cold dead thighs, from my cold dead thighs!!" Come to think about it I read about some messengers catching some cat stealing one of their bikes. They beat on him a little but he could still walk away. Some folks thought that was a little much. I say fuck those over-privileged whiny pussies they have no clue what it's like to have something you've worked for, that's become a part of you as well as being a tool you use to feed yourself taken from you.

I miss my Daddy

I miss the drunken phone calls. "Boy, ya still a big ole whore pedalin your ass on the streets of Anchorage?" I just miss the bastard he may not have been the best Dad but he was the only one I had and without him I wouldn't be the man I am. I miss you Daddy Christ knows I do.

Another late night

Trying to sort out what is and how it got to be that way. Fuck what else can you say.

There you were

Not a care in the world fast free, death was the next stage of life
Would anyone weep for you, maybe?
A few tears shed but you thought Mom and Dad would understand
Now Dad lays dieing in a Florida nursing home.
You thought you'd go first.
and if Dad went it would be quick, a bar fight, a car crash but no
It's a wasting disease and drinking for the pain just took out his liver.
Had to live F L A a hundred places you could have supplemented the pain pills
with natural herb but
all you had was booze, you knew it, it worked.
It killed your liver.
Now I try to suppress that self-destructive thing, you don't pick fights
You're ready to fight if you have to.
If that's what it takes to get home to your wife and kitten.
When you want so bad to ride screaming into the night
A bottle of something in your bag, into the night
to twist and shout
to work it on out.
Can't do that no more
She'll worry,
So you try to do it quiet like.
It's not the same
When you rolled home bruised bloody and laughing
because the things spinning through brain finally made sense
Now you sit listening to some music you used to like
quietly strangling the demons you used to beat to death.

Sometimes you can just smell the stupid

Like a big old cloud rolling in, you don't want to get caught in the storm.
Time to leave and seek shelter.
I've met you before or at least someone like you.
Your fun, your flirty and charming.
At first.
But as time goes by your just a problem.
I know you guys over at that table over there
At least I've known guys like you, don't think we need to hang out anymore.
And you in the truck, you can tell me, man to man here.
How small is it?
Or is it that you just can't use it right?
Or maybe it's that you just don't get the chance to use it?
Man drives like that on a public road
He's got to be trying to compensate for something, some sense
That he just isn't man enough.
I'll say "Hi" to your cousin when I hit Northern Lights.
That cloud of stupid hits smart people too.
One minute your a kind understanding and tolerant type.
The next your thinking about hitting people with a big rubber hammer.
Or your taking pictures of tourists taking pictures of themselves.
Time to flee.

Not everyone has a code to live by, do you?